What's not to love? Non-smokers are bloody ingrates.

What's not to love? Non-smokers are bloody ingrates. Illustration: Robert Banks

Non-smokers have so much to thank smokers for - but they are such ingrates they give nothing but abuse. Probably it's because they can't stand seeing other people have a good time while they are so miserable.

Let's start with the so-called Melbourne restaurant/cafe scene. The non-smokers are now complaining that their balmy nights are being spoilt by the waft of toxic plumes from cigarettes on neigbouring tables.

It's a funny thing about those outdoor tables that are now de rigueur at any self-respecting Melbourne eatery - only a couple of years ago they didn't exist. They are, for the most part, nothing more than a function of regulation - the regulation that pushed smokers outdoors.

Cafes and restaurants responded with the alacrity demanded by the disappearing dollar - put some tables outdoors.

It's  pretty simple - if it wasn't for smokers, those tables wouldn't exist. So how about a thank you? Is that too much to expect?

These balmy nights themselves might not even exist if it wasn't for all the smoke put into the upper atmosphere by legions of dedicated, tax-paying smokers. So next we'll get blamed for climate change.

It's even got to the stage that Queensland is being held up as an exemplar - because it has in effect banned gatherings of smokers there, just as it once banned gatherings of demonstrators.

As far as I know, you don't need a visa to go and live there.

What I propose is a coupon system - for every time you sit at an outdoor table in winter you get two coupons to sit outdoors in summer. Three if it's raining. Where are the non-smokers on those wintry afternoons? Tucked up inside, that's where. Further, if on a balmy night there are not enough tables outdoors, smokers holding coupons get precedence.

Every time I see a non-smoker occupying a smoking seat on a prime summer's day I see  injustice. It's all take and no give with the non-smokers.

Oh, I nearly forgot. Those gas heaters that take the edge off a chilly autumn day  and turn it into a blazing beauty - so that you can sit outside the cafe. Thank the smokers.

What holds true for cafes holds true to a perhaps greater degree for pubs and clubs.  The architectural gems thrown up by innovative responses to the dilemma of how to accommodate smokers are a great plus for this city, part of the grain now. Rooftop gardens, hidden alcoves, transformed balconies, funky foyers, street tables - the list goes on. I would mention some of the outstanding examples by name - except then they would  be overrun by whinging, whining non-smokers who would complain about all the smoke. So go and find them yourselves - and if you are a smoker, you already know where they are, so I don't have to let you in on the secret/s.

And don't forget - we are subsidising  you. So be grateful.
Copyright Michael Epis