Catherine Deveny

Catherine Deveny is a comedy writer, stand-up comedian, author and social commentator named as one of the Top 100 Most Influential Melbournians. She is a regular on the speakers circuit, television and radio. Deveny is an atheist, a dyslexic and describes herself as "a serial pest and professional pain in the arse".

Remember, you heard it here

Catherine Deveny Note this moment. Because there'll be a day when you're asked, ''Where were you when you first heard of vajazzling?'' I thought if I alerted you to the existence of vajazzling here in the privacy of...

Named and shamed

Catherine Deveny Why do (don't go there) most children(don't go there) still end up with (don't go there, don't go there, don't go there!) their father's surname? Let's first acknowledge the existence of and look...

Nobody's perfect, thankfully

Catherine Deveny I'd like to erect a shrine to disappointment. A mate I met knocking around writers' rooms in my 20s recently said, ''Dev, gag-writing's a young man's game. By our age the disappointment has set in.

Our Tony, who art in Speedos

Catherine Deveny Please tell me it's not too late to nominate Tony Abbott for a Queen's Birthday honour for his services to patriarchy and his commitment to turn back equality 1500 years.

Do the write thing

Catherine Deveny The tree's been taken down, the vouchers spent, the ham's a distant memory and the Ferrero Rochers are finished.

You wouldn't read about it

Catherine Deveny Israel. Upper Gallilee. A woman identifying herself simply as ''Mary'' claims her nine-year-old son Jesus Christ is the Son of God™.

Show the kids a good time - once every 26 years or so

Catherine Deveny I took the whingeing, nagging little maggots to the show for the first time yesterday, because, quite frankly, kids these days aren't spoilt enough.

Weddings? I prefer funerals - they're far more real

Catherine Deveny I am against gay marriage. I'm against straight marriage. I'm against marriage full stop. Why are we hanging on to this relic of an anachronistic system (which still reeks of misogyny and bigotry),...

Kids should not be taken on planes

Catherine Deveny I need to make a public apology. I am deeply sorry for travelling on planes with my children when they were babies and toddlers. I am ashamed. I am remorseful. I am scum.

Faking it in Donnie: don't bother having what she's having

Catherine Deveny Last week I saw Manpower, Australia's No.1 all-male review. Buns of steel, ripped abs, glistening six packs and Rock Eisteddfod choreography.

Make mine a short black

Catherine Deveny It's not the amount that you give to charity but to whom you give that is the biggest social marker.

Things that make me wince

Catherine Deveny Another boat of asylum seekers. A bunch of guys turning up on Hey Hey's Red Faces in black face. Sydney's Company B and the Melbourne Theatre Company's seasons for 2010 being so short on women that...

Two and a Half men is no joke

Catherine Deveny Two and a Half Men is well beyond a joke.

I love Tony Abbott - and who wouldn't?

Catherine Deveny I can't stop thinking about him. I've even had his face tattooed on the insides of my eyelids so I can see him the moment I wake up. I'm so obsessed with him I chant his name aloud without realising.

You know you're from Melbourne if ...

Catherine Deveny More things that say 'Melbourne' (hey, I hear Adelaide thinks we are rivals).

Jam-packed with stupidity

Catherine Deveny Channel Nine's attempt to cash in on new-found frugality is cheap and nasty.

Half-hearted escape into the unbearable lightness of footy

Catherine Deveny Yes, I am from Melbourne. But no, I'm not into the footy. How about I stand still while the rest of you skin me alive with broken glass?

Our Father, to thine own pathological self be true

Catherine Deveny Here's my theory. God has narcissistic personality disorder.

I will survive, without Mills, Boon and misunderstood men

Catherine Deveny Three am Saturday. Phone rings. Jules with the broken heart. I did say any time. By why is it always 3am? I have to be nice to her. She has a beach house.